caffienated thoughts

First off, the title has nothing to do with the content. It's merely what brought on the thought process.

Im different and I have always felt different. It can be exciting and admiral, or it can be lonely and frustrating, it just depends on the circumstance and the day. As far back as I can remember, I always knew I was different. When I was a little kid, I didnt like to play with dolls and dress up. I wanted to play with Lego's and play in the dirt. This made me different then most of the girls. I accepted this and never really thought much of it, other than, "im just different". As a young adult, even though I had found friends that liked to do the same things as me, they became interested in boys, which yeah I liked to play with boys, but they wanted to plaaaaaayyyyyyyy with boys. This held zero interest in me and again I though, ok, I am just different. By my senior year in H.S. I figured this "difference" to be that I was gay, and I felt a weight lifted. Ahh, this is why I feel different then everyone else I know, and found this youth group in Chicago where I met lots of people like me, and hung out for the first time feeling like I belonged. But......again the feeling crept up, that I was still different then these people. This feeling was coming from the fact that I did not "party" like all of my other friends and I was always the sober one, taking care of my fucked up friends. This lasted through most of my 20's, where I was still "odd man out" amongst my group. I ended up with more gay male friends, because I loved to dance and go to the clubs. Even within my lesbian clan, I was still the only one who liked dance music and was not singing kumbya (however you spell it) and fawning over Melissa Etheridge. Nothing wrong with her, but it wasnt the music I was drawn to, and that I was passionate about. So, I was the token lesbian at the boy clubs, dancing to the music, who didnt drink. My other lesbian friends were playing softball or drinking at the savoy playing darts. And so it has been for all of my life, I usually am different then most people I know. I have a few friends that understand me well, but what I have been babbling about is that I am old enough to know that I will always be different. I will always think differently, and it's not something that I can shake. I have embraced it most of my life, and enjoyed my interests but come to find my fate is not ever being in the majority.

I now have a new interest, that AGAIN, is not a popular one. Because I am not an A student, med school is out, and being a medical examiner is out too, but, I am good with my hands, and am fairly mechanically inclined, so I decided to take some auto mechanic classes.

They have some intro courses at DeAnza which can get me started. I figure it's a good way to find out if I want to learn more and pursue this further, without investing a lot of money. I know I am probably going to be the only woman in the class, but I feel up to the challenge. I feel confident I can handle myself if any adversity comes up. Coffee sure gets my mind racing to all kinds of obscure topics.